My Photo
I'm a Jewish fashionista living in New York and I write this blog to try to deliver modest fashion to all women, everywhere. This blog is all about Less Is More. Don't forget to follow me on Twitter @vinniecocoa and on instagram @the.oak! CONTACT & INQUIRIES:

Monday, October 7, 2013

This Just In: Hannah Montana is ALIVE

Sigh. America, we lost a good one this weekend. Hannah Montana is dead. She was murdered. Since celebrity deaths are known to happen in triplicate, I really fear for the well being of Lizzie McGuire and Alex Russo (of Wizards of Waverly Place). Hilary Duff and Selena Gomez-- if you are out there and reading this, please contact your alter egos and make sure they are ok. I can only handle one fake celebrity death at a time.

When Miley Cyrus announced on SNL this weekend that Hannah Montana was dead, it was the most disturbing part of the entire episode (other than her horrible acting and poor comedic delivery). Aside from the fact that Miley came off as an ungrateful human being by "murdering" the character that gave her all her fame and fortune (and literally biting the hand that fed her for her entire young adult life), Ms. Cyrus took the liberty of destroying a character that brought so much joy and relatability to young children around the world. For what reason? Only to disassociate herself from a wholesome character she once played and to boost her hyper-sexualized "adult" persona.

I don't get it. I understand that artists wants to grow and evolve, but why does it have to be at the expense of good, happy, positive things? Hannah Montana was a good thing that made children happy. Why does that need to die? If Miley wants to traipse around in barely-there clothing while simultaneously rubbing herself, that's one thing, but why assassinate something that has only caused joy and happiness to children? In the name of being an "adult"? For the sake of being "sexy"? No, because she is selfish. This one seemingly negative association for her and her career means more than the positive association it has for every child who grew up watching a show that oozed positivity and strength for girls everywhere. Selfish, selfish Miley.

Newsflash, girl: being an adult does not mean walking around in your underwear with your crotch hanging out; being an adult means you pay rent or a mortgage; you go grocery shopping during your lunch hour because that's the only free time you have; you weed your garden because no one else will do it for you; you get a direct deposit in your bank account then watch it go out the door when the cable bill comes; you buy clothes and subsequently wear them. Apparently Miley's version of adult doesn't jive with the rest of the world, and so we are all forced to be subject to the non-stop media barrage of someone who kills off the only good thing that she ever did professionally. And for the record, not one thing Miley has done would be even remotely construed as sexy. Disturbing, yes. Sexy? Hardly.

That's why I want to tell children and adults everywhere that Hannah Montana IS NOT DEAD. She was NOT murdered. She is alive and well. I know exactly where she is, too. Read on for more on that. But kids, Hannah is not dead. I'll say it again: Hannah Montana is not dead. She never will be.

Clearly I am sad Miley "killed" Hannah on SNL; I used to watch Hannah Monatana with my nieces all the time, and to this day I have impromptu dance parties with my eight nieces to Hannah's music. I make memories with my young, impressionable, beautiful nieces using the tools that Disney and Miley have provided me-- songs about love, friendship, acceptance, happiness, kindness and staying true to yourself no matter what. While Disney acting and Disney TV leave much to the wholesome imagination, Hannah Montana was a show about a cool girl who led two very different lives-- a public one for the world to see and a private one that was just about her. For all the kids who grew up watching that show, please know that the character of Hannah Montana that Disney (and Miley) crafted so masterfully can never die because she exists forever in time as a character that delivered to children the positive messages of love and acceptance.

I regret to inform you, Miley Cyrus, that Hannah Montana is not dead at all because you are the very embodiment of your former character. The life you lead in the public, in the pictures, in magazines, and on stage cannot in any feasible way be the one you lead in private. Based on the physiology of the human body alone, your tongue cannot be in the protruding position for 24 hours a day; so while every portion of your public performances and videos involve a tongue in ejected form, I'm pretty sure that sucker is safely secured in that mouth of yours in the privacy of your own home. If it's not, then it's time to consult a physician because that's not healthy. As a general member of society with eyes, I ask that you keep the tongue firmly in it's rightful place.

But really Miley, you are Hannah Montana. You will never escape it no matter how much you try to show us your nipples. You are a public figure who is probably hurting very much in private. I'm here to tell you that we never asked for this version of Miley; no one put out a memo asking for this degenerative form of a pop star. You RUINED teddy bears for me. I can't forgive your for that.

So, no people, Hannah Montana is NOT dead. If you want to see her alive and well, just take a look at Miley. She's right there in all her latex-baring glory. I'd rather pick up a Hannah Montana CD any day than the new Miley Cyrus album, so if you are reading this and agree with me in any way, don't pick up a copy of Bangerz; if you feel the need to contribute to Miley Cyrus' fortune, go to Amazon and pick up a copy of her Hannah Montana CDs. The only way we, the public, can ensure that Hannah Montana is not dead (a larger metaphor for wholesome family fun, not gyrating 20 somethings pretending to be secure in their sexiness) is by making sure that Hannah's message is alive and well. I for one would like to see Bangerz be put 6 feet under.

Long live Hannah Montana.

PS Bring back this Miley.  This is an album I would buy.

Follow me on twitter! @vinniecocoa
Follow me on Facebook! The OAK
Follow me on Pinterest! The OAK
Modest Fashion Network