2014 Golden Globes: Best and Worst Dressed!

The bast part of every award show for a famous fashionista like me (wink wink) is providing you dear readers with the best and worst dressed list. This is where I get to be unabashedly honest about all the women who did everything right, and all the women who screwed up royally even though they pay someone thousands of dollars to do it for them. (PAY ME; I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN)

In no particular order other than to give you my best dressed first, here is a list of the women who ruled the red carpet tonight and then the women who look like their dresses farted on national television.

---BEST---

Julianna Margulies

I think that if she wore this when George Clooney was still on ER with her, we would have never heard of Elizabetta Cannalis, which would have just been a win for us all, don't you think? This is the most stellar gown I have ever seen in this history of gowns that had Vs that plunged so far down to the belly button. True story.

Lupita Nyong'o

With a name like this and a gown like that, all I can say is that this woman needs to be Queen of the World. She's wearing a cape, so she's halfway there; she's pretty much a red carpet superhero. Seriously, why is this woman not being considered to play the part of Wonder Woman. Get me her agent now! Not that I will do anything to contribute to that, but whatevs, I just always wanted to say that. 

Kerry Washington

Simple. Sophisticated. Flawless. Stunning. I can literally exhaust the list of amazing adjectives to describe this woman in all her class and beauty, but it would not be sufficient. This woman highlights her expectancy perfectly and still manages to pull off an on-trend dress in a stellar silhouette. I bow down to you Queen Olivia Pope.

Cate Blanchett

No woman in the world has ever made a doily look this perfect. A hero to us all.

Sofia Vergara
Dios mio! I am a mere mortal in this woman's shadow. She is the purest definition of a woman, which means I am some sort of sub-creature that sort of, sometimes, maybe represents a female. She is a goddess and I am going to bed at 10 o'clock tonight. Life's not fair.

Honorable best dressed mentions go to Michelle Dockery, Margot Robbie, Zosia Mamet, Emma Roberts, and Taylor Swift.

---WORST---

Julia Roberts

This is the worst decision that was ever made by a woman who gets paid a zillions dollars just for coming out of her house. Julia is supposed to be the Pretty Woman but she looks more like she just stopped at Ann Taylor Loft and Bebe and concocted a dress on the way to the awards. I believe the word I am looking for is 'ew'.

Lena Dunham

I missed the season premiere of your show, Girls tonight to see you in this?! All of Brooklyn just collectively threw up in their mouths. I know this because I am currently in Brooklyn and I heard everyone in the borough just throw up. 

Amy Adams

You took the era of your role a little too seriously here, Amy. This was a hot mess, and the worst case of side boob ever. Not that I am the be-all-end-all judge of side boob, but I think I reign as some authority on the issue seeing as I have eyes. (#punny)

Paula Patton

This looks like a project Runway challenge that Nina Garcia decimated with her words. This looks like a wedding gown with the veil attached to the shoulder. If only Nina Garcia were there to tell Paula that this was the worst wedding gown to ever wear on a red carpet, ever. 

Sandra Bullock

America's Sweetheart looks like a box of sweet tarts right now. This is the most unfortunate thing to happen to anything Sandy-related since Hurricane Sandy. 

Honorable worst dressed mentions go to Jennifer Lawrence,  Megan Mullaly, Taissa Farmiga, Sarah Paulson, Taylor Schilling and Sally Hawkins.