T is for Tights. B is Boo. Boo Tights.

It's finally reached that time of the year...tights time. I can feel my stomach muscles cringing already.

As with most of you, I have a love/hate relationship with tights; this adorable accessory that dresses up any outfit with panache, sleekness, and cutesy-ness is also the single-most reason I despise being of the female variety. (That, and because boys get to pee standing up--read on for more details on that.)

I need not explain to you ladies why tights bite the big one, but for all you gentlemen out there who need only worry about what dirty shirt to pair with what dirty pair of pants each morning, allow me to explain why I am whining. Tights, aka stockings, have the dreaded muffin-top effect (ew, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit there).

MUFFIN-TOP:
Definition:
That horrendous, awkward midsection line smack in the middle of your torso that not only cuts off your circulation past the point of normal breathing, but makes you feel like you are being cut in half by the elastic waistband from hell, and gives girls unattractive rolls of flab (that we never knew existed!), often resembling the top of a muffin.

And don't even get me started on going to the bathroom. It takes two years and a day just to go the bathroom with tights on! Boys, I hate you--there is nothing more frustrating than waiting on line for the girls bathroom, while 400 dudes just whiz--no pun intended--past you on their own line. Grrrr.

For all their bad points though, tights are completely and totally adorable, as well as practical. I mean, they do keep our legs warm in the cold, so what more could we ask for, right? Bonus: they pretty much are a safeguard against creepsters on the train trying to catch a look at the undies your wearing under your skirt. Totally been there, and totally creepy... public transportation is always better with a pair of tights on.

Here are a few do's and don'ts of wearing tights:

Colors: embrace colors, especially for the office, because odds are you are wearing mostly dark neutrals in the fall and winter. Make sure you don't get too crazy in the color area for the office though--try and keep the neons for the weekend at the risk of blinding your co-workers.

Fishnets; there is a fine line between a classy fishnet stocking and a hooker fishnet stocking. The smaller the fish-netting, the more work appropriate the tights are; obviously the larger your fishnet is, the more "Pretty Woman" you look, without the handsome Richard Gere, so try and save those for the right moment and the right outfit.

Opaque tights: FAVORITE ALERT! Black, opaque tights are a staple in my closet and are the absolute BEST winter accessory you can have to cover those beautiful legs of yours. The thicker material makes them last longer and prevents runs, making them a worthy investment. I suggest buying at least 5 pairs (I have close to 20--I just counted), as you WILL wear these religiously. Seriously, this is a religious blog, and I'm like the Rabbi of tights here, so trust me. Feel free to wear black opaque tights with just about anything. Seriously--anything.

Patterns: In the past few years, patterned stockings have become so chic and are really a focal point of many an outfit. If you are going to be fierce and work a pattern, be sure your outfit is neutral and tame enough to counter the business going on on your gams.

White tights: I've said it once, and I'll say it again (even though you never heard me say it, so really this is the first time your hearing it--memorize this though): white tights are reserved for girls UNDER 9 years old ONLY. Once a little girl hits her double digit, white tights become a no-no. You can try and work an off-white when you're older, but anything that is white is just too juvenile and looks a bit ridiculous. That's just one blogger's opinion.

You can find tights at almost any major store, but here are some especially cute (and wallet-friendly) tights you should try.

Metallic Stripe Sweater Tight

Glitter Dot Tight

Sexy Netted Tights

V-Striped Fashion Tights

Fence Design Tights

Good luck in the bathroom--I'm sure I'll see you waiting on line.

D